Laughter

Toilet Paper

There is a recent commercial out there with “real” moms talking the “truth” about toilet paper; talking about things that “no one else has talked about before”. <:-O Whatever. There is only so far a commercial is going to go when it talks about going to the bathroom b/c they would be worried about “controversy” or offending “family values” with potty talk. But I could care less, so I am going to talk about it b/c I am having a problem finding a toilet paper that meets all MY needs. You may be, too, but may not feel comfortable bringing it up in polite conversation. Y’all know I have no problem talking about just about anything, so here goes…

I have been trying out lots of toilet papers and have yet to find one that meets my needs up front as well as out back. There. I said it. When I find a paper that is strong enough to hold together and take care of business out back, it is too rough and chafes me up front. The papers that are soft and gentle enough on my front fall apart or shred when I need to take care of business out back.

You know what, it just dawned on me that although I have struggled with this issue and have been trying out all different brands, I have not once brought up this issue with my guys. After all, I am the only female living with 2 males. And since they only use TP for out back, I should consult them and see which one(s) they like best. As a side note, I am not pleased they only use TP out back. I think they should use at least ONE square up front to dab, but the hubs has passed on his habit to B of just flicking the penis like Indiana Jones’ whip to “shake off the excess”. *eye rolling*

I am starting to think that I am placing too much importance on the performance of a paper up front. I mean, to avoid any kind of chafing up front, I should just be dabbing, not wiping, right? That way, as long as I select a TP that gets the job done out back, I’ll be happy up front! *Oprah-light-bulb-moment* or, as the hubs CONSTANTLY says to me, “Talk your way through it, babe, talk your way through it…”

The "N" Word and KidzBop

In my state, homeschoolers need to provide evidence of progress at the end of the school year. I recently received the 2nd grade test I will give to B and found myself in a quandary as I reviewed it. The 1st section is on definitions and B may not know the definition of all the words. I don’t think it is right to coach him on those words. The hubs reminded me that since “No Child Left Behind” doles out federal funding to public schools based on standardized test scores, our county’s public school kids, at least, are taught to their tests and if we chose to do that, we would be doing nothing different/worse than our public school. Interesting POV…the hubs LOVES playing Devil’s Advocate and always shows me a POV I had not thought of before. However, we both decided to NOT coach him on words that we may, wrongly, think he does not know. We want to gauge how much he has or has not learned this 1st year of HSing to assist us in our level of learning.

I have a part-time job at a local karate studio. I pick up elementary and middle school kids and bring them back to the studio for after-school care. I love listening to the conversations that occur in my vehicle each day. They make me cringe, cry, laugh and shock me. The mob mentality among such young people is especially scary but I am glad I get that insight to help with raising my son. I drive five days a week and my route changes daily.

I pick up kids at all elementary schools in my town except one and I pick up at one middle school. The students I pick up at one school in particular are very fond of “potty” words. In fact, when I pick up at this particular school, I actually time them to see how long they go before the potty talk starts. It usually occurs within one minute of pulling off. The shortest time was eleven seconds and the longest time was eleven minutes (that was a rare and true shocker!). The most popular potty words are butt, poop, pee and penis, in that order. However, occasionally there is the “bad word” discussion.

Recently, one of my 5th grade students was talking about another student who knew and used every bad word there was. The animated discussion began about which bad words the boy in question knew and were compared to what words the 1st – 5th graders in my vehicle knew. But none of my kids actually say any bad words; they just use the 1st letter of a word followed by the word “word”. (If you are a parent of a school-aged child, I know you can keep up with that last sentence.) One 1st grader declared, “There is only ONE bad word that we cannot say and that is the ‘F’ word!” The 5th grader said, “There are plenty of bad words besides that one but the ‘F’ word is the WORST of the bad words!” An innocent 3rd grader said, “Why is the ‘F’ word the WORST word? It just means ‘fart’!” Luckily I have trained myself to not burst out laughing at these kids; thank goodness they cannot see my facial expressions!

On another trip, a 3rd grade girl and a 1st grade boy got into an argument about who knew more bad words than the other. “I know what the ‘F’ words is!” said the boy. “So? I know what the ‘N’ word is!” countered the 3rd grader. “So do I,” replied the 1st grader, “Nagina!” LOL!

I have not listened to pop or Top 40 music since grunge moved in in the early 90s. I switched over to Country music then, b/c “pop” had died, as far as I was concerned. In 2009, I dropped Country and started listening to a contemporary Christian station. We got our 1st taste of KidzBop when McDee’s added mini disks to Happy Meals in 2009. Both B and I enjoyed them. We were both happy that we were finally listening to something (remotely) hip and I was pleased that there were no bad words. At the time, I could not understand all the “haters” of KidzBop.

Then my brother gave B KidzBop Gold and 80s KidzBop and I now understand the “haters”. Whatever version of a song you hear 1st, most times that is the one you like the best and the rest will never measure up. B asked me to put the 80s KidzBop in my car’s CD player. I had an Oprah light bulb moment. I cannot listen to KIDS singing Quiet Riot, Bon Jovi and The Go-Gos!

January 18th – Ice Day

The public schools were closed yesterday due to ice. Well, technically it was 2 days ago, but since I have not been to bed yet, it still counts as yesterday. I felt rather lazy after reading on Facebook what all my friends did on their “ice day”. I did not break up and shovel the ice on my driveway and sidewalk. They had called for a high of 41 later in the day so I felt there was no need. (I was right – it all melted on its own! Hehe!) I didn’t bake anything. I didn’t prep for dinner. I didn’t do any laundry. I didn’t even taken a shower until after I put B to bed!

But we did have school. B was given topics to draw pictures, then he had to write stories about the pictures. He has gotten SO much better at spelling new words by sounding them out thanks to that spelling bee DS game!

I am trying to learn to play Scrabble by myself. I tried playing online but opponents were so far above me and, I’m sure, frustrated they had such a stupid opponent. Plus, I had to wait on my opponent’s schedule to play their turn and sometimes it was several hours or the next day. So my mom gave me her old Scrabble board and I have it on the coffee table. I am playing all 4 stands. Don’t worry; I can’t possibly cheat. My memory is so bad that when I move onto the next stand to play, I have no recollection of what letters are on the other 3 stands. :o)

Evidence I have become my mother #68 – I used a Barnes & Noble GC from my MIL to order myself an Official Scrabble Player’s Dictionary. *blushes* On a positive note, B is learning while I play, as well. He likes forming words with the letters on each of the 3 stands I am not playing from at any given time. Plus, I make him add up my new score in his head after each turn I take and he is doing very well.

Speaking of finding the teaching moments in everyday life (like that transition?), I have to tell you a story from this afternoon. I stopped at a local drug store on the way home from work this afternoon to buy almonds. While in the store, the hubs called to ask me to pick him up a 2L of soda. Now, we were just in the grocery store on Saturday and I asked him if wanted some more soda b/c he only had 3 aluminum cans left of his kind. “No,” he said, “I’ll be fine. I can always drink some of your kind.” *eye roll* So, I go to the soda aisle of the drugstore and the kind he likes is $2.19 for a 2L! As much as it KILLED me to pay that price, I told myself he wants it, I love him, and I am not running to another store to get it cheaper, so I take my 2L and almonds up the the register.

Behind the register is a teenage boy and a teenage girl. He scans the 2L and, instead of the price showing on the monitor, it asks him to enter the price. He turned to the girl and said in a surfer dude voice, “How much IS this?” She picked up the sales ad in front of her, looked at it and then asked me in a valley girl voice, with a grimace on her face, “Is that a PEPSI product?” I answered, “Yes.” She looked back at the ad and said, “Well, they’re 4 for 5 dollars so……….(her mouth is still formed in the shape of the “o” at the end of “so” and her eyes went up and to the right as she did the math in her head)….99 cents!” she exclaimed proudly.

Now, 3 years ago, I would have corrected her and said, “No, that’s $1.25,” without even thinking. However, over the last 2 years I have tried REALLY HARD to think before I speak to avoid putting my foot in my mouth or hurting someone’s feelings. So the new me kept absolutely silent. I am so proud of me for being so mature! ;o) BTW, as I walked out with my 2L and almonds, the teacher in me did not feel guilty AT ALL for not taking advantage of THAT teachable moment. :o)

Kickboxing Class

The karate studio where I work has kickboxing class for adults twice a week and, as an employee, I can go for free. I have been thinking about going for quite some time, since I keep getting bigger and bigger, but I haven’t done it. I was afraid to go. Afraid of the unknown, afraid of what the other people in the class would think of me, afraid that I would not be able to keep up, afraid that any exercise whatsoever would make me barf in public, afraid of not having any appropriate clothes that fit me to wear…you name it, I tortured myself with it and just sat at home.

Thankfully, a friend and co-worker of mine started going to the class with her husband last month. I kept saying that I would show up at class one night since I actually knew someone there, but I never did. Finally, last week, I got up the nerve to tell my friend that I needed her to drag me to that class. And, being the great friend that she is, she complied. She was willing to be the “bad guy” for me b/c she understood that I needed that to get over the initial hurdle.

Last night was the class that she was going to drag me to. And of course, all day long, I did not feel well. I wanted to tell her that I could not go b/c I was not feeling well, but I had a “coming to Jesus” talk with myself. I am so good at having those talks with other people, you know? I can fix everybody’s problems but my own! Anywho, I had that talk with myself and realized that every single time I decided I was going to start an exercise routine that day, I ended up not feeling well. I mysteriously got my period, or I had an upset stomach and had to stay near the bathroom or I ate nothing but beans and broccoli the 24 hours before and could not be around others for gaseous reasons, etc. It was always SOMETHING. But I was NOT going to allow myself to make another excuse. I was GOING to this class, even if I barfed or farted all over the place!

And you know what? I had a great time! I am SO GLAD they drove over to my house and took me to the class. I am proud of myself for exercising and everyone can use a little extra pride in themselves, don’t you think? I did not have gloves and the bin of extra gloves was empty from other attendees in the class. Pshaw, I thought. I’m not going to need gloves on the 1st class anyway. I am so out of shape, I could not hit that bag with any amount of strength requiring gloves anyway, right?

We started out doing a “warm-up”. MY idea of warming up is long stretches, walking in place, stepping side-to-side, maybe some lunges… The teacher’s idea of warming-up was jumping jacks. OK, I told myself, you can do this. How many could we do in a warm-up? 25? He did not count; he timed. As many as you could do in 1 minute increments, and there was more than one, 1 minute increment, people! My boobs were jumping, my backfat was jumping, but, worst of all, my incontinence-due-to-vaginal-birth was saying, “What the HELL are you doing? I’m about to make a mess up in here! You know the deal – no trampolines, no bed jumping and NO jumping jacks.” I don’t know how I hung on, but I jumped jacks while kegelling the heck out of my insides. I actually made it to 100 jumping jacks before I had to run off into the bathroom. Once again, proud of me! Never thought I could do 1 jumping jack, let alone 100. I want my 8th Grade Presidential Fitness Award renewed. ;o)

My friend and I shared a bag for our punches and kicks. After a few rounds of jabs, hooks and uppercuts, I had bleeding knuckles on both hands. I was HOOKED! The sight and smell of blood was like adrenaline to me, for some reason. I felt so badass, so capable! At one point, we were to take turns punching and kicking the bags with our partners, and the one who was not hitting the bag was to yell encouragement at the one hitting the bag. She and I were cracking up over this. She yelled at me once, “Come on! Take your frustration out on that bag! I know you’re picturing your husband!” I immediately thought, I’m not frustrated at him for anything. Then something hit me and I became a driven women. I ATTACKED that bag! I yelled to my partner, “I’m fighting off the hubs to keep him from changing the temperature on the thermostat at home!” We had a good laugh over that one.

That was all I really needed – to get over the 1st hurdle of just going. Even at my age, it’s hard to reach out and ask for help. But I’m so glad I did!

My Sweet B

I have really enjoyed having my sweet B back since he left public school.  His moods are more even and although he will always be an emotional child (b/c he’s mine) he now cries instead of having full on tantrums.  Giving him predictable structure while honoring his personality and learning style has really caused him to relax, blossom and he’s really controlling himself.  Makes for a happy family!  I want to share 3 cute things that B said while we ran errands today.

I was standing next to the car pumping gas.
B: How come you use the regular instead of the supreme?
Me: The supreme is more expensive and my car only needs the regular.  Besides, I’m not a “supreme” girl; I’m just a “regular” girl.
B (in a pouty voice while looking down): I’m a “supreme” boy.
Me (grudgingly): I know.  Just like your daddy.

We were on on way to the bank and a song I did not recognize came on the radio.
B: Oh!  Turn it up!  I love this song!
Me: When have you ever heard this song?!
B: Long time ago, baby.  Me and this song?  We go way back.

We stepped up to the teller at the bank, and before I could say anything, B takes something out of his pocket and slides it across the counter to the teller.
B: Excuse me? How much is this shiny, smooth shell worth?  Can you take it so Mama doesn’t have to use her money?
I was speechless.  The teller, who had a baby earlier this year, got all teary-eyed and I could tell he just melted her heart as well as mine.
Teller: What a wonderful son you have there!  That is the sweetest thing I have ever heard!
I had to agree.  *sniff, sniff*

Just had to share this video…

I Will Survive – homeschool version was posted on one of the HSing sites I visit, Parent at the Helm, and I think it is very creative.  I had to share it.



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