Turning Fear Over to God

7:00 am. When I climbed into bed last night, everything that had to be done today ran through my head.  I started to panic.  B is attending a camp this week that includes swimming in a public pool everyday.  Although I’ve been just as excited as he is to go to Summer camps up to this point, my imagination went wild in the dark of our bedroom.  The pool is indoors and the only light is from limited windows.  How are the lifeguards able to keep an eye on everyone?  The pool will be packed with so many bodies, how with the lifeguards be able to tell if anyone goes and stays under?  What if there are kids who are not so nice or roughhousing and push B under the water?  What if he does his Tazmania Devil – he’s so excited about an activity that he just keeps going and going at full speed until he drops –  in the water and then just slips under when he runs out of steam?

I know this kind of panic is strange, even crazy, to others, but not for us. B’s not replaceable.  He’s our one and only.  It took 6 years and lots of effort, poking & prodding, tests, biopsies, tears and prayers to have him.  And in the 11 years since his birth, we haven’t been able to conceive another child.  So he is IT.  I, we, cannot lose him.  So, I started praying.

“Lord, your favor has always been on this child. He has the best of me and the best of the hubs in him.  Everywhere he goes, everyone he comes in contact with, sees You through him.  He is a shining example of You, Jesus – in his openness, his friendliness, his kindness, his thoughtfulness to others.

“This boy is destined for great things, Lord!  You and his dad and I know this and can’t wait to see his destiny fulfilled in Your honor!

“So I am trusting You to keep our boy safe.  Watch over him; protect him from harm and let’s all marvel as this boy turns into the man You have planned.”

My prayer started out desperate, frantic – a plea.  But as I prayed, the fear and panic slipped away and peace replaced it.  I fell asleep immediately after.

The hubs just called and said, “I’m worried about this camp.  I don’t want anything to happen to him.”  “I know,” I replied.  “I felt the same way last night.  I panicked and then I prayed.”  I started to cry and then I repeated my prayer to the hubs.  I reassured him.

As I typed my prayer out here, it wasn’t peace I felt; it was determination, strength, assurance…

3:00pm.  A couple of times today, once before dropping B off at camp and once afterward, I thought about worrying.  “How come I forgot that I have something huge to worry about today?  I should be fretting!  How come I’m not?  Well, I should start now, right?”  Then a calm, paternal voice in my head said, No. I got him. 

8:00pm.  The hubs picked B up from camp on his way home from work.  When they got home, B breezed in, dropped his bag full of wet things from the pool and his empty lunchbox, went right out the back door and over to the neighbor’s house to see if the kids could play.

Me: Did he have a good time?

The hubs: Yup.  He made a friend, but he can’t remember his name.  He loved everything about camp except for the locker room.  But none of the other boys liked the locker room, either.  It’s that age.

Me: Did you meet the lady with the curly blonde hair and freckles when you signed him out?

The hubs: Yup.

Me: She made me feel good about leaving him there.

The hubs: Me, too.

“Thank you, Lord, for looking after our boy and for angels with curly blonde hair and freckles.”

 

4 Comments

  1. novamom says:

    I’ll let you in on a secret, doesn’t matter if you have an only child or if you’re blessed to have a “spare” or two…that sense of panic over their wellbeing is just part of parenting. It’s a terrifying thing to have a child, to forever have part of your heart and soul in the being of this child, forever out of your control. Letting go in order to let them grow, it comes with sometimes paralyzing panic. I have felt that fear many times. And I have prayed prayers like these many times. And the peace never fails 🙂

    Like

  2. Jess, I am SO not the worrying type not because I have more than one I just don’t have that gene in me. It’s the strangest thing to me too – I would walk through fire for my kids but I never ever let myself consider something bad could happen to them.
    Maybe that’s denial working in my favor?? All this being said – when I put Carter on the plane for camp the other day we were both tearing up, not because I was afraid something was going to happen but just because I knew I’d miss her! 🙂

    I’m so glad you found peace and I’m even happier B had a great time!! Baby steps! :))

    Like

Let me know what you're thinking.

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: